The WORD

A dreadful word most people of different cultures and diverse societies with varied age groups fear. The masked villain of ringing echos from a haunting past. The silent killer of innocents and sinners, of pure and evil. When this one word comes into reality and is played out before you to witness, it will bring forth a shock to your thoughts. With its meaning so foul, has driven people into an act against humanity in itself. The insane whom cannot wait until the sweet release of death to carry them with soft wings upon the sound of this word. The good turn sour, and the bad fall deeper into themselves. Demented and twisted is its deepest intent. An inflicting ailment of mind rotting pestilence forevermore validates existence. It's very pronounciation can bring the greatest of minds into depression. Very powerful this word is...

You are probably thinking "What the hell is the matter with this guy? Just say 'the word' all ready!!" But before I do, this experience will run into your life at one point or another. It is only fair that you are exposed and prepared to hear how it's meant to be heard, to it's fullest extent.

I was in the car with Kat quite recently, and she asked for me to drive around while we talked. I must admit, I had a really bad headache from the lack of sleep, and I wasn't in the greatest of moods, but I REALLY wanted to be with her, just to hang out one last night before her big one and a half week trip to Kentucky to see Steve. There was a few times where I said something that sounded sarcastic and she took it the wrong way, and vise versa. Maybe it was a selfish thing for me to demand... yeah, I think it was. But I like to be selfish for her sometimes. Anyways, she directed me to a spot in the backroads where it was most dark and quiet... and I didn't quite realize where we were until I saw a specific house on the corner. I can pin point that house very well, especially in the darkest of dark. It's the spot where we used to have intimate and passionate.... "conversations". Now at first I didn't mind that spot, given it was linked to something good. But this time it felt different. Now we are not going out, we are not in love, we are not together, whatever you want to call it, we are not!! Just friends... is all. That spot didn't bug me personally... but what bugged me more is that she wanted to be there. When we arrived, I didn't say anything when I realized where we were... then she teased me asking (in a high-pitched voice) "You DO know where this is, right? Right?" Now... me being sleepy and high-pitched noises REALLY don't get along... and she knows this very well for many years. I guess it 'slipped her mind' again. Either way, I snapped back saying "Yes! It's where we used to fuck!" She then played it of, saying "Ok, you don't have to be snappy." I apologized for it, and then reminded her that I didn't like high pitches. Something clicked and she said "Oh yeah... oops. Sorry about that." I then asked after a few minutes, "Why did you want to come here anyways? Doesn't it bug you?" Her reply was "It was in a past life... was in the past." ...'past life'. That's ringing in my ears so loud right now, it's making me tear up. I am in her past life... not forgotten, but close to it. At that point, I felt so withdrawn from the conversation we were having, that I lost track of whatever sense I was making... almost felt like being slugged in the head with a boxing glove REALLY hard. Stunned. She kept saying I was tired and I needed to go to sleep, so I acted accordingly and drove to her home. She wanted to get out of the car to the inside of her house, leaving me with the words "I don't want to hang out with you cause you might say something that we will argue about again, so yeah." I complained about that goodbye, and insisted on her staying in the car for a few more moments... cause I didn't want her to leave on that note. I looked her in the eyes and said "You know that I'll always care for you and love you, right? No matter what happens... I will." She just kinda smiled, waited for a few moments, then replied with "You're not gunna commit suicide or anything like that, are you?" and started laughing. I said "Come on, you know me, I wouldn't do that." Then she replied in a snarky fashion with "It was only a joke, Josh. Chill." That wasn't the point, though... she just didn't understand, her laughing and making a joke about something I was being genuinely serious about made me feel like shit. Oh well, right? She keeps getting excited to see her best friend... I guess that's all her mind is on lately.

I should know better then to act and complain like a whiny teenager. It just sucks knowing that I'll never have her, ever. I really want to, I do... but I can never quite ask her the question because I honestly think I don't want to hear the denial. And I'm so stuck and bent on thinking about her it's starting to make myself worried a bit. I'm trying to get to know other people in my classes, girls to be specific. Maybe I'm not being social enough, withdrawn from the activity or something... I'm not too sure what my deal is, but whatever it is, I need to get rid of this horrible wrenching feeling when I think about these thoughts. It's brings me pain when I do... I'm not taling about emo poem pain, like my hearts bleeding black.. but I feel like my blood pressure goes up, heart beats faster, my pupils dialate, I get shallow breathing, I cry sometimes when thinking about her (thankfully not all the time... like once a month thing, haha), I sometimes don't have steady hands... mind you, everything I listed is not all of it, nor all I listed happens at the same time. Just a few here and there, sometimes all of them and then some. Felt this way about her about a few months or so after we broke up... which was two years since three days ago, the 5th of June. So... about one and a half years, then. At first, it was just "Oh, I kinda feel like a jerk, and I miss her a lot". Everything reminded me of her, but that's how a normal, healthy person would react at a break-up in the first stages, so I didn't see that as abnormal. Then as the months grew on, and me talking on the phone with her was a few-times-a-week thing, it got worse. I cared about her health and mental state like crazy, constantly worried. I didn't want to smother her, thinking that would lead to an eventual withdrawal of our friendship, so I would call once every few days just to see what's going on. I kept having consistant dreams of her and I. Not normal dreams... these dreams was me showing myself the stupid things I've done while being with her. Almost like a personal torture. Things I didn't actually realize I did to her, were revealed in my dreams. I confronted her about a few of those issues, thinking it was all in my head, and both of us are extremely comfortable talkinga bout our pasts together... and she confirmed I was right. Creeps me out... still having them. Now how I feel about her is something I can't quite describe well enough... ummm... if a few words were to come to mind when thinking about her, I would say 'regret'... 'self-pity'... 'wanting to repent'... things like that. Don't get me wrong... I'm not super emotion 'OMG KILL MYSELF ON THE TRAINTRACKS' crazy. Nor am I a guy that thinks everything and anything was my fault when it came to her and I... some of the shit she did I still loop in my head (for some odd reason). But when it comes to how I handled myself during the tough times and why I'm so hard on myself... even thought I think I don't deserve her, I still want to have that golden second chance to show her the world I meant to express. One with colors and tastes, sounds and sights, laughing and crying... sharing everything. *sigh* I keep telling myself that I have no chance... but I still move on with a trying chance.

All of this... why? I don't know... I really don't. Maybe I'm trying to solve a puzzle that I want to keep reliving till I find the answer. Perhaps somewhere in my little brain is a voice telling me "Don't worry, if you keep trying, and improve yourself as a person, she'll take ya back, boss!". Chance might have it that I'm just a stubborn fool. The worst part about all this list... I think it IS all of this combined... in some stupid platypus-like way.

But something else I didn't think about... has a curse been my enemy this entire time, just linking itself with Kat, bringing me to my knees? Who knows... but I still love that crazy woman, and she knows damn well of it. I want to be with her when I'm all old and wrinkly... not riddled with a sense of being forgotten by the world. I guess I'm slightly going out of my mind... cause of this one word... loneliness.

I can't help but laugh... by the gods, have mercy for I'm a humble slave to my own mind. Good night, I need sleep! :) Sweet dreams to all.