The helplessness of it all

It seems like a few key things that I want close to me are getting further apart in these past few weeks... My sleeping WAS messed up, friends are on a hinge, need to take care of my financial burdens (long term goal), need to do this, must do that... blah blah blah. Our day-to-day tasks bags are filled with too many rocks... sometimes, it's simply get too heavy to carry around as freely and carelessly. Here's the problem, you just can't put them down, no no no... one must endure the weight of all actions made thus far!!

Speaking of weight... I feel pretty weighty the other night into the morning, after I woke. My room mate/best friend/heterosexual lifemate (Ed) and I got into a small arguement in front of a dear friend of mine (Kat) and got her upset witnessing the event. I thought I was in the right, even after all that's been said and done. I was walking Kat out to her truck (I like doing that, seeing her off is the only bad part about it) and she threw some advice about the fight my way, blindsiding me. Without thinking (was sleepy as hell, thinking isn't my forte'), I replied with "You keep to your shit, and I'll keep to mine, ok?". Well... let's say she wasn't terribly happy with that comment, and she let me know about it. I soon apologized for being brash, cause she didn't know the stuff Ed and I are going through, at a personal level. She still wasn't too happy about it, and left.

I don't want to feel this way... and I don't want her to feel the way she does toawrds me... and I'm the only one that can change it all.

...so out of reach.
I felt sad that I had upset her... at the same time, I wish she could jump into my world and see things the way I do, instead of what she see's all the time. It's easy to hand out advice when you don't know the whole story. Simple enough, right? Not a lot of detailed to think about, just morals, a good sense of what's right and wrong. For instance, you see someone getting beat up, and you jump in, tackling the guy playing hero. Little did you know, the 'victim' was holding a lethal weapon, and he was one that attacked first!! Now a reward for your heroic deeds... a stab in the back. Advice is good, cause it opens up ones perspectives with a clearer and defined point of view that doesn't not belong to you...

...but the same in reverse, I wish I could see colors through her eyes... but I know I can't. I've failed once before about two years ago, and it looks like I never LEARNED to fit things together quite right. Only when it comes to her and me, though!! It always works like that, right guys? Seems like the one you care about and love is the one person in the world you're blind and absent-minded towards... regardless, I'm still trying to beat out my little skelly's, with my... how do I put it? Ummm... "defensive-mode". Trying to tone that down around her, and other people. I usually don't act on it during daylight, but when the sleep bug bites me, it bites hard.

Oh oh, the other night, Kat introduced me to a recent friend of her's, Bennet (Ben for short). He's a cool guy, works on automobiles and the such. Him and I hit it off for the night, talking about random crap that loosely relates to whatever may be going on at that time... which we were at a bar called "Calico Jack's", featuring the Sunset Blues Revenue!! Kat's dad is in that band, as lead guitar, and he's goooooooooooood!! Check it out sometime! Love em. *rock on* ^.^ v

Anywho, Kat danced her ass off that night... well, she went up there and danced for a total of like 20-30 minutes spread out through all the songs, but that's still way more than I did... I think I danced for like... 5? Maybe more? Some army guy came up and talked to her, her mom, ben, and myself. He seemed pretty nice, but I kept seeing him stare down Kat's shirt (she was sitting, he was standing over her... painfully obvious). I later saw him dancing on the floor with her, and talking to her ear. By dancing, I mean standing there putting his arm around her acting sudo-drunk. I was admiring (staring at) Kat dancing with Linda (loose friend in connections) until army arms showed up. Even then, I didn't turn my attention. I have to admit, he had a cute face, nice arms, proportioned body, with a nice sounding voice. I suspected that all he wanted was a 'good time', in which I found out I was right within an hour, cause she was considering it. She didn't follow through in time, cause he left sometime after offering her some quick sweaty passion. Too bad... he missed out. *wink*

And for those of you who think I'm gay, too bad for you boys. Talk to the people who know me... they have stories about what I've done... I don't even need to hold my resolve when involving girls. Nothing wrong with same-sex interests, I just know how to appreciate the human form when I see it.

All she wants is a perfect match to light her pack.
Relationships are not for her now.
Damn men are dogs.
*sigh*